Loss

 My eyes slowly got used to the prevailing darkness and I recognized the first contours of my bedroom. Slowly and carefully, I turned to the right and glanced at my wall clock, the ticking of which echoed through the small two-room apartment. In the corner of my eye I noticed the volume of poetry, which was illuminated by a golden light through the twilight. The images of how I smashed the linden tree on the B 256 with my ax 35 years ago ran automatically in my mind's eye. Sadness and anger came up in me and I decided to get up.

In the shower my dream came back to me. Of course it was about her. Happy, in love and young, we walked hand in hand through the streets and talked about the color of our first living room together, about work and about unimportant everyday things. I wish I could talk to her about such trifles today. The good dreams are the worst, I thought as I lathered myself into a lather.

My chest ached at the thought of her smile that she threw at me just before my back pain ended the mental excursion into the past. As a routine I pulled the shower curtain aside, got out of the tub, looked in the mirror and examined what time had made of me. My cheekbones formed an angular face that was once described as charismatic. Over time, my pits and wrinkles had become craters, leaving large flaps of skin hanging down on the right and left sides. At the sight of it I remembered the words of Goethe, which he formulated in one of his letters about aging: “In old age, where the years gradually deprive us of what they used to bring us so kindly and abundantly, I believe to be the first duty to ourselves and to the world,

What was left for me? Health probably not. The list of my complaints was longer than a four-year-old's wish list for Christmas.

The day I tried to propose to Maria, she died in a car accident. The winter day had been particularly cold and I never would have thought that the cold could suddenly end our happiness. She hadn't had a chance. She had strayed off the slippery road with her car and crashed into a tree. Her beloved car, which had brought her from one place to the next so reliably, became her crushed coffin. With her, the only person I wanted to spend my life with died. I never managed to develop feelings for another woman again.

My chest pain got worse and after putting water on for tea I called my younger brother Erik.

"Hello Werner." He greeted me immediately without even hearing my voice. One look at the clock was probably enough for him to know it was me.

"Hello Erik. Please excuse the early disturbance. “, I started and listened with one ear to the wild goings-on of his two grandchildren.

Anna and Michael were now four and six years old and the pride of the family. On the one hand, it felt good to see how happy my little brother was, but it also hurt because I had never experienced this happiness and this background noise only made the echoing ticking of my wall clock seem louder.

“Werner, I don't mean to sound rude, but the little ones are dancing around on us right now. Why are you calling? ", My little brother asked me in a tone that sounded sympathetic and at the same time annoyed. So I described my chest and back pain to him without mentioning my dream.

“In my opinion, these are simple old age complaints. Neither of us are the youngest anymore. Why don't you just take a relaxing warm bath. You will see, afterwards you will feel like you have been reborn. ”Erik advised me.

Even though I had just showered, the idea of ​​a warm, cozy bath was tempting.

After finishing the call, I had breakfast and then went into the bedroom. There I took the music box from her from my dessert. A little later, an inviting environment awaited me. The curtains were drawn and the candles enveloped my otherwise cold bathroom in a warm light. When my body was covered up to my neck in foam, I opened Maria's music box and closed my eyes. Listening to the melody, I took in my chest pain, which had become more and more intense up to this point, was still felt and immersed in a deep relaxation. When I finally opened my eyes again, the pain was gone and in my mind I thanked Erik for his advice. While the falling sunlight forced me to blink, I looked around. The candles, like the music box, were

Scared and confused, I propped myself up on the edge of the bathtub and was startled. My arms were no longer wrinkled, white and thin, but taut, tanned and strong. Was this possible? I got out of the tub and checked myself again in the mirror. A handsome young man stared at me in disbelief.

My memory slowly came back. Tonight I had a date with Maria and took a bath because of it. So I grabbed a towel, tied it around my waist, and went to the sink to shave.

The strange feeling that I had still felt in the bathtub subsided like an echo in the deep forest until it finally turned into a whispering thought in the back of my head. It was still there, but so quietly that if you have a clear mind you cannot hear it.

The soft bristles of my shaving brush spread the cream thoroughly on my face and while I pulled the blade against the grain, I thought of Maria and tonight. We had been together for two years now and I had recently realized that I was finally ready to take the next step.

At that time I was working on the large farm of the Döring family while studying. During the harvest season, the work on the farm had literally exploded and numerous helpers had been sought. I met Maria in a muddy potato field and invited her for a cup of coffee on the same day, in my oldest and dirtiest clothes. Even today we joked that our relationship began in a field. And tonight, when the night has covered the cloudy gray of winter, our marriage will begin there, in the same field, and with a little luck, under a starry sky.

I laughed at the thought and cut my lip with my blade.

"If that's all that goes wrong today, it will still be the best night of my life," it went through my head and I pressed a piece of toilet paper onto the small scratch on my upper lip. My best suit seemed appropriate for the occasion. On time, nervous and expectant, I rang her doorbell. What felt like an eternity later, it opened for me and, like every time I saw it, my breath went away. She wore a black knee-length skirt and a white blouse. When going out she grabbed the cloakroom and took her brown, elegantly cut winter coat from the hook and pulled it on.

"Hello Werner", she said and when she gave me a kiss, I breathed in her scent. As greedily as a half-choking man filled his lungs with oxygen, I filled mine with their scent. I could never imagine my life without her again.

"Where are you kidnapping me?" She asked me. I hadn't told her anything and enjoyed letting her fidget a little.

"You will see it soon enough.", I answered her and had to smile.

We walked along the village street, left the farm of the Döring family behind us on the left and finally turned right into a dirt road. I gave her my hand and made her understand that I don't want to just stop in front of the field.

We stopped about in the middle of the field and despite dirty winter boots she looked at me with her light blue eyes that sparkled with happiness. The moment when I took the ring out of my jacket pocket and she nodded before I could really finish my question, it felt like a dream. A kiss that made my chest ache with happiness completed our engagement. After our lips parted, I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly. With her arm in arm in a field, standing under a starry sky, I closed my eyes and never opened them again.

The last air bubble that came out of Werner's lungs shattered on the surface of the water after the music box had long gone silent. In the small two-room apartment, when Werner died of a heart attack in the tub with a smile on his face, only the echoing ticking of the wall clock could be heard.